After trying to buy airline tickets for the Christmas and New Year holiday, I’ve decided to use the apparent airline industry protocols for determining ticket prices and apply these to my office practice as a physician.

I currently charge $117.50 for a standard office visit. A 20% discount is given for the payment of cash. You remember what that is don’t you? It looks like picture ID but it has George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, or usually Thomas Jefferson’s picture instead of yours.

My new office prices will now reflect patient need or desire for services. So for example, say you want to see me at 8 am on Wednesday. No problem, I work Wednesdays, so that’ll be $117.50.  Oh, you want to see me at 11:00 am? Well now, that’s getting closer to my lunch time so I’ve decided to raise that cost per visit to $135.00. That way I will see less patients during that last hour before noon and perhaps even get a lunch.  

Now let’s say you are really sick and you’ll even take the 11:45 am appointment time. Now that’s really going to cost you. Please pay $175.50 and don’t forget your discount for paying cash on the way out. And don’t even think about a late afternoon appointment. You’re not that sick.

Now about those pre-holiday season visits you want to complete before your annual insurance deductibles expire and start again for the next year’s cycle. Multiply the above visit prices by 2.75. That initial office visit now comes to $323.13.

Happy holidays! And don’t bring extra baggage to your office visit or there will be an additional surcharge. But at least the physical exam is included–just like at the airport.