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Pinecones, Many Parts Are Edible

April 19, 2012 in Humor, Practical Medical Advice with 0 Comments

Those of us that are a little older than some of you might remember Euell Gibbons. He was the naturalist (I couldn’t think of a nicer word) that challenged us to eat a pinecone, “Ever eat a pinecone? Many parts are edible.”

Not necessarily so.

Cailin was sent to daycare yesterday, just like her usual schedule, while her mom and dad went to work. Suddenly, she was noticed to be developing a rash. She hadn’t been ill recently and she was not on any antibiotics at the time.

The rash quickly spread from her face to her torso and even down her right arm. Although she seemed fine otherwise, a trip to the emergency room seemed warranted.

Careful examination showed that Cailin had apparently eaten a small part of one of the arborvitae trees that line the yard of the daycare she attends. A small piece had lodged in her right tonsil and she was having an allergic reaction to it.

A quick retrieval made a world of difference and she is recovering just fine. So much for being a vegan.

Hey Guys, There’s Hope

April 13, 2012 in Becoming a $marter Phy$ician, Humor, Practical Medical Advice with 2 Comments

Almost every day in my practice, I have a patient or two ask me about male impotence. They don’t use those words exactly but they are obviously struggling to be the virile male they once were or still want to be.

They have often heard too much misinformation about “Low T” and assume they have a low testosterone level. They come to me wanting whatever pill it takes to help the situation.

Just to set the record straight, no pun intended, few men lack the testosterone levels needed to be the man they desire. I would say that most impotence issues are due to a low F, not T. That means lack of flirting, foreplay, and a flourishing relationship with their partner.

If you desire sexual intimacy, you have enough testosterone.  If you just can’t do much about it due to faulty equipment, then come see me. I may be able to help physically, or as hinted above, psychologically.

Mr. Jones came to see me yesterday because he too had heard the television ads and was sure he had Low T. He wasn’t able to sustain the powerful erection that he once had and especially over the last year, he was struggling to please his girl friend. She was coming to town this weekend and he wanted to do all he could do to remedy the situation before hand.

I had to suppress a laugh as I talked to him about whether he would get some mileage from one of the big three: Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis. His girl friend is 89 and he is 93. I had to check the chart to make sure I wasn’t talking to Abraham.

Hey guys, there’s hope.

Happy Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2012 in Humor with 0 Comments

Hey guys, remember that today is Valentine’s Day. In fact, if you’re reading this blog and just now becoming aware of this, you may already be in trouble.

Just a little history lesson. Saint Valentine was apparently a priest who was beheaded around 270 AD for marrying Christian couples in defiance of the emperor. Apparently, Claudius II issued such as edict and a defiant Valentinus married couples anyway.

For that, he lost his life, was eventually venerated by the Roman Catholic church (as well as Russell Stover, Hersheys, Hallmark, and Kay Jewelers), and is now scorned by the rest of us who are under the gun to buy something for our girl friend or spouse or live a live in martyrdom ourselves.

Thank you Saint Valentine. Anyway, today might be a good day to express your love for that special person in your life who you may happen to to be courting. After all, she may be the one washing your socks and underwear someday when your mom eventually bows out.

For us married guys, EVERYDAY should be a day to express our love and appreciation for the one who mistakingly agreed to love us for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and in riches or in poor–and usually poor. 

So get out there men and do the right thing. Be creative, romantic, and generous with your gifts. Remember, Russell Stover, Hallmark, Jareds, and Obama’s anemic financial plan are depending on you.

The Rites of Spring

January 14, 2012 in Humor with 0 Comments

It’s NOT spring. Believe me. It may have been a mild winter so far but I have been lured into thinking that winter was over early before. I was then extremely disappointed when the snow began to fall in February. 

Remember, winter starts December 21st so we haven’t even been at it a month yet.  Officially, spring doesn’t hit the calander until March 21st or so.

However, the preferred method of determining spring, according to a patient of mine who teaches the fifth grade, is to wait and see when love blossoms. Just as the flowers and trees begin to bud, so do romances at that time of year.

The girls begin to dress up and pursue the boys once again, apparently coming out of their winter hibernation. But according to her, and unfortunately for girls in the fifth grade, the boys still don’t have a clue and are still making fart sounds with their armpits.

It may be a long winter yet.

First-Class Disability

October 19, 2011 in Humor with 0 Comments

I am fortunate enough as a physician to do a little traveling by airplane. I mean, it beats moving across the country in a covered wagon. And I must admit that I am a cheapskate when it comes to paying airfares. I buy the cheapest fare available, even if it means traveling on a redeye at midnight.  Maybe I am used to being up on call too often. Maybe I have learned to sleep in multiple contortions anyway. So why not?  

I do admit that I have a little envy however, when I pass those seats at the front of the plane that seem a little wider than the others. I hear that they serve ice-cream sundaes and champagne behind that little curtain too. At least I saw that on a Seinfield episode once. But what it costs to get that little extra space and the extra treats just never seemed worth it.

Until last week, I hadn’t figured a way to get the rate down either. And I don’t purchase enough crap to earn mileage on any credit card scheme. Enter one of my medical partner’s patient. She decided to use a method of disability we had never heard of in 45 years of combined practice. And that’s saying something.

My partner received a request to write a letter as his patient’s medical doctor stating that the airline needed to provide her first-class seating for the usual price of coach BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO OBESE TO FIT IN THE REGULAR AIRPLANE SEAT!   

Well, excuse me. Sorry if we weren’t there to slap your hand every time you reached for a twinkie over the last 30 years of your life. Why don’t you save up all the money you would have spent over the last month on fast food and buy a first-class seat the old fashioned way, by paying for it? I thought that I heard of everything.

No Dementia Here

October 12, 2011 in Humor, MedicoPolitical Issues with 0 Comments

My mother-in-law has recently been diagnosed with a metastatic brain tumor. She began having severe fatigue and with her past medical problems, we took her to the physician for further studies. A lesion was discovered when a CT scan was completed on her head at the hospital. This tumor had apparently spread from her renal cancer (kidney) she battled years ago.

After seeking advice from her oncologist (cancer doctor) she decided to proceed with radiation therapy. This would entail radiation beams being directed at the lesion(s) and trying to keep them from advancing. No pain involved but certainly alot of work to do in preparation.

In addition, there are certain risks associated with this therapy although they are apparently minimal. One of those risks is an early onset of dementia. And this had her worried a bit.

She did fine through all the workup and process of being transported to Harborview Medical Center and the University of Washington. Great staff and great physicians guided her and those helping her through a seemingly seemless process that ended up with a successful treatment and no hitches.

We were able to have a good laugh with this Christian woman, who has little fear of death, as she is well aware of her eternal destiny. Wondering if she was going to have that early dementia she had heard of as a possible side-effect of the treatment, she expressed her concern to me, the personal family doctor.  

I asked her if she was still a Republican or whether she was a Democrat. She smiled and said, “I am still a Republican.” I confirmed that she didn’t have any apparent dementia yet.

We Don’t Eat Poop!

October 10, 2011 in Humor, MedicoPolitical Issues with 0 Comments

That’s exactly what a three year-old child told me first thing Friday morning when her mother brought her in for her yearly exam. All I could do was wipe the shock (and grin) off my face and agree with her whole-heartedly.

Isn’t it great that kids are so refreshingly honest? It made we have remorse at all the politically correct games that are played out every day at the workplace or on television. And this is all because we aren’t honest enough to just admit that we don’t eat poop. Or at least we are not supposed to.  I’m sure one slips past the goalie now and then as we struggle teaching personal hygiene to those two and three year-olds like Maple above.

Similarly, my nurse and I made a pact years ago that if my breath smells, she will tell me about it BEFORE I confront a patient in the office. Personal feelings will be set aside. It takes an element of honesty to do that so we worked it out ahead of time. We are on the same team and want what’s best for all.

Make a commitment to be honest with those around you–being careful in our presentation, but not dishonest in what we say to those we meet. After all, we want what’s best, not what’s expedient. And let’s admit, we don’t eat poop!

Speck Rewards

September 30, 2011 in Humor with 0 Comments

Fantastic news. I just received notice that I have earned “Speck Rewards” for purchasing a new automobile at C. Speck motors. WOW!

In fact, after purchasing a $30,000 automobile, my reward total is already at 10. That’s right, not 10,000, not 1000, not 100, but 10. So, if I don’t blog soon, I might be on my way to a Hawaiian vacation or an exotic trip to the Orient by the next time you hear from me. Don’t fret, I’ll write to you somehow. 

Oh wait, I just looked at the reward list and it seems that there may be a minor problem. Those rewards, just like the airline industry, don’t seem to add up as quickly as I thought they would. I have to earn 75 reward points to get a free—MUG. I have to earn 150 reward points to get a free—HAT. I have to earn 200 reward points to get a free–T-SHIRT!

I am getting no where fast. Hell, I just bought a $30,ooo automobile and all I got was 10 bonus points.  What do I have to buy to get to 200 bonus points, the dealership? I just want to know what marketing genius thought of this reward system?

That New Car Experience

September 26, 2011 in Humor, MedicoPolitical Issues with 3 Comments

Well, I did it. I purchased a newer car for my wife without killing anyone. That may not sound like such a big deal, but for those of you that know me, it is.

I was able to research the automobile model she wanted, scan the internet looking for dealers, determine an expected price, and use all of the above to receive a seemingly fair deal. I probably got screwed.

But regardless, my wife is happy, I am happy that she’s happy, and I am back making a car payment–which I can’t stand. It’s not the money, it’s the enslavement you have to submit to in order to own an automobile these days. They don’t just give these things away.

The process is also very burdensome, which reminded me that governmental regulations effect every industry. No wonder we can’t get people back to work.

After talking and visiting with the dealer, taking a test drive and coming to the conclusion that a car newer than 12 years-old may have some advantages for my wife–as well as a bit more dependability, we began a surprisingly less-grueling negotiation an I expected, for reaching an acceptable agreement on payment.

And then we spent more than an hour signing over 20 documents to complete the transaction. I couldn’t even tell you what they all were. I just hope that I am not held responsible for any of the fine print I never read but agreed to.

Me? I drive a ten-year old truck with 140,000 miles on it. My goal is to drive it until the wheels fall off. Then, as I figure it, I win.

Do the Puyallup

September 14, 2011 in Humor, Practical Medical Advice with 0 Comments

Did the Puyallup yesterday with the family. We had a wonderful day. We were able to enjoy time with the children and grandchildren, taking in the sights and sounds of a country fair at a minimal cost.

Of course, at this stage in life, we had a little more money than we did when we went years ago. We were able to afford to put the oldest grandchild on a few of the rides we couldn’t afford for our own children.

We spent the time traveling in the car visiting, interrupted only by a few moments of crying now and then by a nursing child longing for the breast. You have to have infants and children buckled in their car seats tighter than astronauts on their way to the moon now a days. That puts a little crimp in the travel occasionally.

The adults cried out for food too but we were able to stifle the hunger pangs by eating a bunch of crap. Not real crap, of course. We only stepped in that as we went through the animal barns.

Our “crap” included, Corndogs, Roastbeef sandwiches from the Young Life booth, an Assortment of fair-food that included ice-cream blocks covered in chocolate and nuts, elephant ears, and candy. Lastly, we had to include the Pastries like the skones the Puyallup fair is famous for.

I suggest you make the trip. Life is short and there is nothing like being with the family. Oh, and don’t believe the sunny weather forecast for the west side.  We didn’t get rained on but it sure wanted to.

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